How to resolve a dispute about children during a divorce - a lawyer answers

Why do people get divorced after having a child?

In addition to the desired event, the birth of a baby takes the family to another level. The young mother now devotes all her time to the baby, and the father strives to provide for his wife and child. The carefree period when the newlyweds were left only to themselves has passed. Now they have a full-fledged family, a unit of society. Such a fallen burden of responsibility often leads to family quarrels.

1. Diapering and constant crying exhaust both parents. The woman does not have time to take care of the house and even herself. She narrows her social circle. The main person in life becomes a small creature who constantly needs to be taken care of and protected. Constant tension makes her irritable and tired. As a result, conflicts arise with her husband.
2. The spouse, in turn, ceases to understand his other half. He was not used to seeing an unkempt wife next to him, who was also sometimes embittered. Mutual cooling may occur between them in bed. Then the once caring husband may have a free girl in his life.
3. In addition, raising a child requires considerable material costs. To do this, some couples have to go into debt or take out a loan. All this causes stress, and later leads to scandals.

This period is a real test for a young family. But not everyone is ready to endure hardships to preserve the bonds of marriage. And then the couple decide to divorce.

There are two groups of reasons why families break up due to the birth of a baby.

Firstly, several psychological reasons for separation should be named:

1. adaptation difficulties. Often young people are not ready for the birth of a baby. With the advent of the first-born, the need arises to radically change previous habits, rebuild life, and sacrifice certain interests. The lack of mutual desire between a man and a woman to compromise mainly leads to a break in the relationship;
2. problems arising in relationships with relatives. Newly-made grandparents begin to overprotect their children who have recently become parents, which not everyone likes. Often, against the backdrop of such situations, serious conflicts break out, ending in divorce;
3. disputes over methods of raising a child. Each family has its own way of life. If the spouses do not agree on raising a child, quarrels and scandals cannot be avoided. They do not begin to appear immediately, but as the new family member grows up, they will definitely make themselves felt.

There are non-psychological reasons for divorce, these include:

1. sexual problems. No matter how personal this topic is, you should not forget about it. Some young mothers experience postpartum depression; constant fatigue and tension due to sleepless nights negatively affect her condition. At the same time, the man is deprived of attention. Instead of trying to understand each other, the spouses prefer to officially separate;

2. 
   financial difficulties. The birth of a new person is also associated with significant financial costs. While preparing for childbirth, expectant mothers and fathers purchase a stroller, a crib, diapers, food, shoes and clothes, etc. All this requires financial resources. If the man in the family has a good income, the problem of lack of money will not affect him. But when a husband brings home an average salary, while his wife is on maternity leave and receives a small allowance, this often becomes the cause of scandals. Quarrels over money also lead to divorce;

3. health problems of the mother or baby. Childbirth does not always go well. Sometimes pregnancy negatively affects the health of a woman or child. Some children are born with congenital pathologies at the physical or psychological level. Therefore, families in which a child is born with a disability or with an unhealthy psyche often breaks up;
4. addiction or bad habits. With the arrival of a baby, some cravings may become more acute. For example, the habit of smoking or drinking alcoholic beverages to relieve stress or suppress feelings of loneliness and lack of attention (this mainly applies to men).

Unfortunately, in our country every second marriage breaks up. Most couples get divorced in the first years of marriage, after the birth of children. Statistics show that the initiators of the breakup are women (if we consider the age category up to 50 years).

This is understandable, since according to family law, a man does not have the right to file for divorce without the consent of his wife during her pregnancy and within 1 year after the birth of the baby.

According to experts, it is not the birth of a child itself that leads to divorce, but this event becomes a kind of catalyst for the accumulated problems that previously existed between a man and a woman.

According to statistics, one of the main reasons for a young couple to divorce is the birth of a toddler. Evidence of this is the significant changes in the lives of mom and dad. Let's try to find out the reasons why young couples break up soon after being discharged from the hospital.

• Psychology. A child is not a toy that can be hidden when you are tired of playing at parents. This loud lump requires affection and care around the clock, and at this moment the parents begin to have problems and scandals. Accustomed to living in silence and left only to each other, young people have a hard time adjusting to a new daily routine. Having compared the data, sociologists have come to the conclusion that modern families are in no hurry to have children; their first priority is home improvement, career advancement, travel, and only after that do spouses begin to think about having a child. However, the conscious and long-awaited appearance of a child does not save you from divorce, because parents’ views on raising a child do not always coincide.
• Sex. Everyone knows that the first months after childbirth are the most difficult, especially for the mother: frequent feeding of the baby, changing diapers, daily washing and cleaning, cooking and little time for sleep. No matter how intensely a man participates in the process of caring for a child, he very dramatically changes his lifestyle as dramatically as a woman who, from everyday communication with colleagues, isolates herself within four walls and communicates only with her infant. In this case, the husband does not understand the reason for the frequent nervous breakdowns of his young wife, and for what reason she does not have the desire to make love, as it was before. And also his woman, always well-groomed and attractive, stops taking care of herself, and even the excess left after childbirth has appeared on her waist. And at this time, men begin to look at free women who do not have burdens or problems. Therefore, divorce after the birth of a child is often justified by the betrayal of a spouse.
• Finance. In those families in which the father's salary completely covers the costs of the child, the crisis is not noticeable. But most often, a woman going on maternity leave and spending money on her baby lead to a difficult financial situation. Evidence of this is the wife’s constant reproaches for her husband’s insolvency, and he points to his inability to save. Constant quarrels on this basis often lead to family breakdown.

The birth of a child affects the parents' relationship

Postpartum depression

First of all, keep in mind that your condition is currently referred to as “postpartum depression.” I assure you that this is not a far-fetched formulation that implies fatigue and boredom.

A woman’s body after childbirth (especially the first) experiences a real hormonal storm, the consequences of which go away at different speeds in different women. Objectively, this is expressed in the fact that the emotional state of a young mother is extremely unstable at first. She is ready to cry at any moment, the level of anxiety exceeds the individual norm by two to three times, and absolutely nothing makes her happy. Whether you notice it or not, you are more vulnerable because your nervous system is exhausted and your body is tired.

In addition, external factors also influence.

Attention

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It is very important to always remain a couple of loving people; this is very difficult to do when constant fatigue and the cry of a child take over your physical capabilities. However, try to find time to spend with your spouse, leave your grandmother with the child and just be alone in silence.

Also, do not forget that you are adults who need communication outside the family

Agree that several times a month mom goes out to meet her friends, and the next time dad spends the evening with friends at football

Also, do not forget that you are adults who need communication outside the family. Agree that several times a month mom goes out to meet her friends, and the next time dad spends the evening with friends at football.

Otherwise, having heard criticism addressed to him, the father will no longer make further attempts to stay with the child.

Where to file for divorce with children?

As mentioned above, if there are minor children, relevant applications are accepted only through the court . Even if former lovers have reached mutual agreement on such a difficult decision, they can only be divorced in court. This aspect is stipulated in Art. 21 IC of the Russian Federation.

The main document among the wide list of necessary papers for divorce is undoubtedly a statement drawn up by both spouses or one of them . In such a statement, the spouses indicate their passport details, reasons for divorce , full names of children and their date of birth. Here you should indicate the date of the conclusion of the union, as well as the consent of the second spouse regarding the divorce .

An application for divorce should be submitted to the court at the place of residence of one of the former lovers . Along with this paper, you should provide several other important documents.

Download the claim form for the Magistrates' Court here.

Documents to court

So, without what documents is it impossible to dissolve a marriage?

• Original marriage certificate .
• Corresponding birth certificates for common children.
• Spouses' passports.
• A prenuptial agreement , if one has been drawn up.
• Receipts confirming payment of applicable fees .
• Extracts from house books confirming the place of residence of the spouses.
• Statements about the income level of each spouse.
• A paper confirming the consent of the second family member to divorce.

You can also add to the list of documents those certificates that became the impetus for starting the divorce process. So, for example, the plaintiff can attach papers confirming the incapacity of the other half or a document indicating the term of imprisonment.

All these papers are taken into account by the court and may affect the decision on the divorce process.

Participation of guardianship authorities in the process

Often, the divorce process cannot proceed without the participation of guardianship authorities . Thus, according to Article 66 of the RF IC, guardianship authorities can intervene in the divorce process if the parental qualities of the spouses are in question .

If a couple has a dispute regarding who should be the primary guardian of the baby , they should contact the guardianship and trusteeship authorities.

Often, during the divorce process, one of the spouses tries to get the parental rights of their other half revoked . In this case, the guardianship and trusteeship authorities also intervene in family disputes, assessing the situation and ultimately deciding with whom the baby will remain .

Hurray We are family now

“We gave birth to our Artemka together,” says Anna. “I immediately noticed in the postpartum ward how my husband had changed!” Tired but happy, we cried... My husband and I love each other even more. The baby gave us the right to be called a family! I read somewhere: if you didn’t get divorced after the birth of your child, it means love has settled in your home.

“Our relationship has become a little better,” says Yulia. “We see a reflection of each other in the child.” When I see how my husband deals with the child, I love him even more. Although it seems that there is nowhere else.

The girls are absolutely right, a real family is when there is a child. A baby in whom both mother’s and father’s features are reflected as in a mirror. “How your baby looks like his dad!” - the observant neighbor will say. “And beautiful like mom!” - a passerby will confirm. There are no nicer words, because our children are an extension of ourselves.

Life does not pass in vain if someone in this world says “mom” to you! Modern psychologists also share this opinion. They note that motherhood has many beneficial effects on a woman. We become confident because we have achieved self-realization in life; your attitude towards life becomes more positive.

Scientists say that a woman who has had a child becomes smarter... Due to hormonal changes in her body, the size of cells in certain areas of the brain increases, which has a beneficial effect on its functioning. And the small child himself and caring for him forces the mother to be smarter, more collected, and find solutions in the most unexpected situations.

Not only mothers experience beneficial changes in the body after the birth of a child. Fathers who take part in raising a child also change for the better. For example, brain function improves, especially those departments responsible for planning and memory.

Our husbands also undergo psychological changes. They are proud of their fatherhood, because it puts them several levels higher in society. Young fathers feel responsible for their baby and try to earn more money to provide for their family. They are imbued with respect for their soulmate, especially if they were at the birth.

The presence of the husband at the birth brings couples closer together. But I would like to make a reservation that we are talking about such participation for which the couple specially prepared, attended partner childbirth courses, and, if necessary, consulted with a psychologist.

It used to be believed that raising children affects the psyche of women much more than the psyche of men. But recent research into men's experiences has shown that fatherhood affects men just as much as motherhood affects women.

The first serious test for a young family is the birth of a child. If you have been married for several years before having offspring, it will be easier to survive difficulties, but no one will guarantee one hundred percent success either. As my small sociological research shows, a fairly large percentage of women tend to believe that the birth of a baby has improved their relationship with their husband. This does not mean that there are no problems in their family at all, but rather that they look at them from a positive point of view.

“If we talk about relationships, then our relationship has become stronger,” says Maria, “my husband has become more courteous, because he sees that I am tired.” And I began to be more attentive to my husband, because I see how he strains himself at work for our sake. But at the same time, we feel the load on our shoulders, which is why there are “swearing” and misunderstandings, which almost never happened before.

If we talk about life in general, then, of course, ours has changed dramatically! Well, maybe not so cool for my husband, but definitely for me! You spend the whole day at home, there is almost no time for yourself, minimal communication, sleepless nights, and so on. The birth of a child in a family is a great test, very difficult, but at the same time so pleasant...

“The birth of a child brought a lot of new things to our family,” says Sergei. — A lot, a lot of good, joyful and bright things. But there are no less problems. I try to smooth out the unpleasant moments, I understand how difficult it is for my wife with the baby, I myself have not yet recovered from the birth. I think that over time everything will get better, we will learn to live in a new capacity - as parents.

Parents who raise children with a spouse have a lower risk of depression compared to those who raise children alone, psychologists say. There is no doubt about it. It’s easier to endure difficulties together, the main thing is not to create them for each other.

Why wasn't it like this before?

The favorite argument of our fellow citizens, which is reproached by those who are unable to achieve anything and despairing mothers, is this: previously, 10-15 children were given birth in the field, they kept a garden, they looked after the cattle, they ran the house, but there were no diapers, multi-cookers or washing machines. At the same time, everyone managed to do it, they didn’t complain about their husbands and they didn’t experience depression. These fellow citizens still love to quote Domostroy, which they have never read.

Everything is true, but not all of the children survived, mothers also often died from those very field births, and the value of a child was, frankly, less than the value of a cow. The cow is the nurse, and the child is just an extra mouth until he starts helping with the housework. Therefore, they were not particularly concerned about the safety of all children; they treated infant and child mortality with a philosophical calm - God gave, God took.

First, let's talk about the father of that wonderful time when the family had ten children, a cow, chickens and a vegetable garden. He himself came from a large family (it simply couldn’t be otherwise, they gave birth as many times as they became pregnant, and they became pregnant thanks to natural selection, good health and natural nutrition often, almost every year), so he treated babies calmly.

Now about the mother of ten children, the owner of a vegetable garden and a cow. She had naturally strong health, so she easily endured pregnancy and childbirth. Girls with poor health did not live to childbearing age, or they were not married, and therefore they did not give birth. Mom loved her child, but did not idolize him (it was not generally accepted to adore children), so she treated parenthood evenly.

As for depression, we don’t know about it. Clinical depression was not only not treated then, but not even diagnosed. Therefore, if a young mother went crazy (that’s what it was called at the time described), she was placed in a hospital under supervision, where patients did not live long. If she committed suicide, she was simply buried behind the cemetery fence without a funeral service, and life in the family continued.

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Modern mothers are locked inside four walls with a baby and feel like an annex to the child, whose purpose is to do dirty work. The mother of that time was not isolated. She lived in a family of in-laws, unmarried sisters, married and unmarried brothers of her husband, daughters-in-law, older children and nephews. Talking and asking to look after the child was not a problem.

After the birth of a child, the family of that time lost practically nothing in the economic sense. They did not have to pay for utilities; expenses practically did not increase due to running their own household. Medicines were rarely purchased for children, because medical care was developed only in very large cities and was not available to the absolute majority.

Error: Loud arguments

It is clear that when it comes to the collapse of hopes, it is difficult to restrain emotions. The grievances are still fresh, the feeling of belonging to each other has not yet degenerated into alienation, which is why, out of habit, you can afford a lot. In addition, the remaining (for sure!) feelings are superimposed on unresolved problems. And now, at every meeting, ex-spouses begin an emotional showdown, sometimes with shouting and accusations.

Therefore, first of all, it is necessary that both your life and your child’s life fall into a calm rut as quickly as possible, at least outwardly for a start. Of course, this is precisely the most difficult thing, because for this, all participants in the situation must not only understand, but also feel that everything is going fine. Nevertheless, try to calmly explain to the child the essence of the events taking place. And be sure to insist that the parents’ departure will not affect their attitude towards him.

Get help in whatever way you can to pay attention to your own needs. Do whatever you want, but with one condition - spend some time on yourself every day

Try to reduce the anxiety for the baby that is typical for all young mothers: once you leave the baby with your grandmother or nanny, upon your return you will find that they coped perfectly well for these 3 hours without you. A little offensive? Maybe.

But as a consolation, the next day you can again allow yourself to be absent, no longer perceiving this as a crime against the child. Go to the theater if you like theater; if not, go to the cinema or visit a friend. And don’t forget to visit the beauty salon first.

Percentage of child support payments for the first and second child

But, in practice, a different situation occurs when it comes to collecting payments from a man for his second child, when money has already been transferred in favor of his first-born. In this case, the first of them is not entitled to 25% of the income, but each gets 16.5%, since the total amount for both children cannot exceed 33%.

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This norm especially affects the amount of financial assistance for a child from his first marriage, since initially he was entitled to a quarter. But with the birth of a second child (even from another marriage) and the filing of an application for alimony in his favor, the due amount of payments is automatically reduced.

Maternity leave is a difficult period for any woman. Spouses do not always go through all the difficulties associated with the birth of a child and stay together.

If a divorce does occur, a single mother should know that she is entitled to certain subsidies. But it is worth considering that in the process of obtaining them there are many nuances and aspects, and sometimes obstacles.

Can a father divorce if he has children under three years of age?

Modern judicial practice allows divorce on the initiative of a man if there is a child under three years old, if the baby is more than a year old . In this case, the man should file a corresponding application with the court .

Divorce through the registry office if there are minor children is impossible , because the former spouses will have to share custody of the baby, as well as discuss issues of alimony.

The divorce procedure itself , and former lovers sometimes have to collect an impressive package of documents. If there are also disputes between them regarding custody of the baby, court proceedings can last for months .

The process may turn out to be much easier if there are objective and compelling reasons for divorce .

1. Such a reason may be the incapacity of one of the spouses , which the other was not even aware of.
2. The reason may also be a criminal sentence assigned to one of the spouses .

In such circumstances, the marriage can be dissolved unilaterally.

If the spouses have reached a mutual agreement regarding divorce, the head of the family can submit an application, but only with a signature confirming the spouse’s consent to the divorce process .

Error: New child

It is very important to behave correctly when a new child appears in a new family. Carried away by the novelty of the situation and the anticipation of the baby, parents may not pay the necessary attention to the elder

And for him this will become a serious trauma, evidence that everything that was important to him has been lost completely and irrevocably. He may feel superfluous to his parents, especially if both mom and dad have new children.

Therefore, it is better to do so-called emotional vaccinations in advance. “Who do you want more, a brother or a sister?” (even if he answers that there is no one), “Will you teach him how to make the same boats?”, “Come with us, choose wallpaper for the nursery.” Of course, such conversations should not be frequent and intrusive.

In November 2007, changes were made to the part of the Housing Code of the Russian Federation that deals with the rights of the child. Previously, a child who remained to live with one of the parents who did not own their own home lost the right to housing of the second parent, despite the fact that he received alimony from him, and was not considered by law a member of the owner’s family.

Now the right to use residential premises owned by one of the parents must remain with the child even after the dissolution of the marriage between his parents. However, the problem is that in fact the child can only live with one of the parents. The solution may be this: in the agreement on the payment of alimony (chap.

State duty for divorce

Nowadays there are regular discussions on the topic of increasing the amount of state duty when filing a divorce . Many lawyers believe that increasing the fee to, say, 30,000 rubles will have a significant impact on reducing the number of divorces.

However, this measure still remains unfounded, and according to current legislation, the amount of state duty is fixed at a much lower level.

In particular, divorce through court now costs 650 rubles for each spouse. If a couple has property disputes, the fee may be increased . Having learned the details of the court, the couple can pay the appropriate fees at any bank .

After payment, you must keep the receipt, without which the case will not be considered .

Mistake: Overdramatization

Another mistake is naturally dictated by the situation when one of the parents creates a new family. The circle of participants in family relationships is much wider than it might seem at first glance. And feelings are much more complicated. This includes jealousy for the past of your new partner, and a feeling of guilt towards the child for the breakup of the family, and dissatisfaction with the fact that now you have to take care of other people’s children.

All this, of course, will interfere with establishing full contact both between your child and his new relatives, and between children - half-brothers and sisters. In this situation, we can advise you not to dramatize unnecessarily; remember that children get used to any state of affairs quite easily. Whether the parents live separately or together, the child will eventually accept the situation and be able to exist in it quite comfortably, if his own childhood life goes on as usual and is not subject to emotional attacks from adults.

Story

Marina’s divorce from her husband was very difficult - after she found out that he had been dating another woman for a long time, much younger than her. After the scandals, the husband left, leaving Marina with her three-year-old daughter. Resentment was choking

I felt sorry for the daughter who was deprived of her father’s attention. Marina began to shower the child, who understood little in all this fuss, with toys and gifts, but could not calm down.

Seeing that the girl had become very anxious, Marina tried to explain to her why her dad left them, but, seething with indignation, she could not say anything good about her dad, talking about his betrayal. The three-year-old child did not understand anything and just cried. Marina also began to get angry at the child, in whom she saw features of her father.

The situation did not return to normal soon. Marina had to turn to a psychologist who helped her calm down, find peace of mind and look at the world sensibly. Only then did she accept life in a new quality, not as a tragedy, but as a new state of affairs. And the girl calmed down when she saw her mother not crying and screaming, but as she was always used to seeing her.

Error: Hooking the Child

Many pitfalls await new family members—the father’s new wife or the mother’s husband—when they try to build a relationship with the “coming” child. Feeling the vulnerability of adults in this situation, the child may begin to retell other people’s conversations and make comments like: “And my mother is more beautiful,” “Mom always turns out delicious,” “Dad gave mom flowers much better than these.” This is, of course, unpleasant to listen to.

Don’t make a mistake, now calm is your main trump card, treat these comments as the words of an offended child who is going through a difficult period in life. Under no circumstances scold him for this and don’t try to prove that “since your dad divorced your mom, she wasn’t that good.”

I am mine, and you are mine, and for us they are the most beautiful.” The content of the conversation on this topic will depend on the individual situation. Sometimes you can pretend that you don't notice anything, sometimes a joke is appropriate. But a serious conversation is also quite possible: “I don’t like you saying that, although I understand why. Let's decide not to say anything offensive to each other." Even a five-year-old child is quite capable of understanding what is meant.

It is impossible to say exactly at what age it will be especially difficult for a child to get used to a new situation. Much depends on the relationships in the family before the divorce, on what kind of relationships develop in new families, and, of course, simply on the character of the child. It happens that children perceive both divorce and subsequent life quite positively.

Alimony

Simultaneously with filing a claim for divorce, the spouse with whom the child remains until 2 or 3 years after the divorce may also demand the recovery of alimony.

Alimony is collected:

• In the amount of ¼ (25%) of all income for 1 child;
• In the amount of 1/3 of all types of income for two children;
• 50% of all income for three or more minor children.

In addition, the wife, on the basis of Art. 89 of the RF IC has the right to demand from the husband alimony not only for the maintenance of the child, but also for his own maintenance. The husband is obliged to support his wife both during pregnancy and until the child reaches the age of 3 years.

IMPORTANT: Alimony for the maintenance of a wife with a child under 2 or 3 years of age is determined not as a share of all types of earnings, but as a fixed amount. Usually the cost of living in the region is taken as a basis and the fixed amount of alimony cannot be less than this value.