As a rule, after a divorce, children live with their mother, and the father must pay child support and can visit the child from time to time. At some point, he may find that his visits are not very welcome.
More than 60% of marriages in Russia end in divorce. In about half of the cases there is at least one child in the family. Divorce in a family with children is carried out only through the court. There is an opinion that judges are unfair to fathers; after a divorce, they prefer to leave the child with the mother. This is not entirely true. Children are indeed more often left with their mother, but children over 10 years old are left with their father in 30–40% of cases.
The fact is that a man must express his desire for this and file a corresponding claim. 60% of such claims are satisfied by the court. And less than 5% of fathers file claims. Most do not object to the child living with his mother and are extremely unhappy when they discover that the ex-wife is not enthusiastic about their visits or even opposes them. Why is this happening? Let's figure it out.
Danger
Let’s immediately put dangerous men into a separate category: those who beat their wives and children, are addicted to alcohol, drugs (including those who have “tied up”, because you never know at what moment a person will “untie”), as well as gamers. It should be noted that aggression is expressed not only in beatings.
Aggression is offensive messages in the messenger, it is statements humiliating the mother in front of the child, it is gossip behind her back in conversations with mutual friends and relatives.
He blackmails, spies on his ex-wife; tries to ruin her reputation by spreading rumors in a professional environment; threatens to take her children away from her; without warning, he takes the child from school or kindergarten and takes him to an unknown place... and so on and so forth.
Court decisions
How to reduce alimony and divide property during a divorce
How to return an illegally sold apartment
Divorce: how to divide property so that everyone is happy
Divorce and all the ensuing consequences: what difficulties may arise during the divorce process?
When dividing property, the court left the wife an apartment purchased during marriage
Divorce proceedings: How to bring ex-spouses to a settlement agreement
Alimony
The child’s father either does not pay child support or does everything to make official child support look like a mouse’s tears. If the payments are voluntary, each time the woman must remind them, beg, argue and perform other ritual dances.
And the ex-husband will express dissatisfaction, reproach her for extravagance, demand an account for every ruble spent and harass her with remarks that she is spending his hard-earned money not on the child, but on her beloved. Surprisingly, many men in our country do not want to admit that alimony is their duty to their own child, and not to reward their ex-wife for good behavior.
Priorities
Appears when it is convenient for him. He does not come when asked because he is inconvenient. It appears on the threshold late in the evening or when the child has classes in the section. He does not consider it necessary to learn or write down the child’s schedule. If he is asked to warn about his visits, he gets irritated. It is impossible to agree on anything with him in advance - from a walk in the park to a vacation.
I am ready to take a walk with the child only if the child is fed, washed, dressed and provided with equipment by the time he arrives. After the walk, he hands over the dirty child to the mother and immediately leaves. I am ready to take him to the clinic if the child is registered in advance, the appointment will be coordinated with the father’s work schedule (he himself cannot call the clinic, he is too busy, and it’s not his business at all), the child will be dressed and given to him with a package of documents. If you have to wait too long at the clinic, he leaves and returns the child without a certificate or vaccinations, because he has no time.
Deception
He believes that the word given to the child is, as it were, not entirely real. Therefore, he promises to come and does not come; buy and does not buy; the story does not lead to cinema. The child becomes upset, offended, cries, and the father considers this behavior to be whims and manipulation, and may begin to mock and make caustic comments.
He makes every effort not to give a specific and understandable answer to a question, even if the question is direct and implies a yes or no answer. He answers evasively, for example, “we’ll see,” “we’ll figure it out,” “how it turns out.” Pretends that he does not hear questions that he does not like. During a conversation, he turns his back and leaves the room.
Why does a child refuse to communicate with his father after a divorce?
The reasons why children do not want to communicate with the father who left them are quite diverse: from simple childhood resentment to a completely deliberate way of manipulating adults.
The main reasons why children refuse to meet with their father:
- The desire to support and reassure mother. Since dad left the family, in order for him to feel good, he needs to “take revenge.”
- Reaction to mother's actions. An offended woman often speaks negatively about her ex-husband after a divorce. In this case, children pick up her mood, emotions, and take an example from her.
- Teenage resentment. Teenagers are categorical in their judgments, and a father who leaves the family is immediately perceived by them as a cheater, a deceiver, a traitor.
- Relationships with my father's new wife are not being built.
- A way to achieve some benefit for yourself. Teenagers cunningly put forward an ultimatum: buy a new gadget, game, take you fishing, etc., then I will date you.
- Memories of excessive severity, or even cruelty towards the child.
- The feeling that meetings are a burden for the father. Children are sensitive to the mood of adults; it is difficult to hide from them the difference between meetings due to duty and long-awaited communication with their beloved son or daughter.
Whatever the reason, when a child does not want to meet his father, every effort must be made to understand and eliminate it. Without fatherly attention, interest in business, and male support, children will have more complex problems in the future. And they will be associated with false ideas about what a normal family should be like.
Neglect
At every opportunity, he makes it clear to the child that he is no longer so important, because dad now has a new family and a new child has appeared in it. That's why dad can't buy, help, or come. She takes the child for the weekend, but does not spend time with him. He takes him to his grandmother (or even his new woman), and he leaves on business.
When he comes to the child, he criticizes everything he sees. “Why haven’t your dishes been washed? Why are things scattered? Your refrigerator stinks. What kind of stupid clothes are these? How did you get a B?” Makes derogatory remarks about the life and choices of the child's mother. “Are you knitting for sale? I saw an advertisement in the entrance, we need a cleaner, better call there before it’s too late. Seriously, it’s a good job, stable.”
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Revenge and blackmail
She regularly threatens: that she will sue and take away the child, that she will stop giving money, that she will “tell everything about her” to a child or a new man, that she will post intimate photos of her online, and so on.
If the behavior of his ex-wife does not suit him (she is not polite enough, she married someone else, found a good job, looks happy, etc.), she takes it out on the children. This is expressed both in small things (“I won’t carry a 19-liter canister, that’s who she’s fucking with, let him bring her water”), and in more serious things (“Competition? You need him to go there, you pay ").
Constantly hints or even insists on sex with his ex-wife. He brings champagne with sweets, persuades them, they say, why are you breaking, these are not strangers. Having received a refusal, he insults, threatens, and humiliates. Then he comes again as if nothing had happened and the cycle begins again.
Ignoring and direct harm
Does not consider it necessary to postpone or change his plans even in an emergency. Will not take the child to the emergency room or hospital for procedures, will not come to support him after the operation.
If the child's mother is sick or has a broken leg, she will refuse to take the child to school because it is inconvenient for him. And in general, he has a lot of Very Important Things to do, more important than his own child. If such a Case arises, it immediately cancels communication with the child or plans made in a month or even six months. At the same time, he does not feel the slightest sense of guilt.
Holidays and the child’s achievements are not significant for him. He forgets about birthdays, and if he remembers, he gives a symbolic amount or some kind of nonsense. He doesn’t congratulate you on the New Year or March 8th, and there’s not even any talk about winning competitions.
Suddenly disappears for weeks, months, even years. Doesn't transfer money, doesn't answer calls or messages. Then he appears, wants to see the child and is very outraged that the ex is against it, and the child has no desire to communicate with the “favorite father”.
He borrows pocket money from grown-up children and does not return it. Prohibits the child from traveling abroad. He takes the child’s things, toys, and clothes to give to his child in the new family or to the child of his new woman. Left to sit with the child for a couple of hours, he conducts an audit of the apartment and silently takes away what he liked: good tools, a beautiful cup, an expensive book.
Psychological reasons why ex-husbands often forget their children
Psychological trauma inflicted by the ex-wife, fear or suspicion that the child was conceived on the side.
If the separation occurred due to a woman’s infidelity or if the life partner simply behaved ugly during the divorce, the man prefers to go into hiding.Only time can influence this behavior: over time, both parents will be able to calm the nervous system and improve their emotional state, and only then move on to the next stage of interaction.
- Reluctance to meet the mother of your child again. There is a whole range of feelings at work here - from wounded male pride and reluctance to provoke jealousy in a new relationship, if any, to anger and the need for revenge. This problem can be solved by defining a clear schedule of visits so that you see the woman as little as possible, for example, meeting a child in the presence of other relatives.
- Transfer of feelings from mother to offspring. If a man is overly disappointed with his chosen one, feels hostility, neglect, or even hatred towards her, then subconsciously he behaves in a similar way with his own child. In this case, it is important to understand that a son or daughter is a continuation of both father and mother. It is not the child's fault that he inherited someone else's character. In the end, you need to remember that at one time you even liked similar traits in your ex-wife.
- Lack of material opportunity or livable conditions. If a man soon starts a new family, he may simply not be able to cope with the accumulated difficulties, because they require maximum attention and effort. In this case, it is necessary to correctly set priorities: a new family is important, but a child left without a father should not be left without attention.
- Wrong views on the role of the family in modern society. Long gone are the days when an heir for a man was the task and primary goal of his whole life. In the realities of the 21st century, career success, material well-being and social status are more important for men. It is hardly possible to influence a person’s worldview if a man does not see the point of “investing” in something that is absolutely unimportant to him.
Demand of gratitude
You need to thank him for everything, for any action, especially for paid alimony. On forums, men write in plain text that they don’t want to pay alimony because they don’t see or feel gratitude. Moreover, a simple “thank you” is not enough for them; they need to be beaten with their foreheads and their legs dance. And no legs - no cartoons, that is, no gratitude - no money.
For some reason, it doesn’t occur to men that money and attention to a child is not a gift or charity, but a parental duty.
